Sometimes things stuck.

More than once, I've been described as someone who gets bored easily. I "come and go" is also something even my ex girlfriend of a long-term relationship tells people about me. While half of me might be on board with that idea, in truth, I am opposed to it too.

Although one might simply disregard it, I, for one am worried. I haven't a clue about who I am, what my values and visions may be. My life has been a boat without a sail, life decisions always based on careless intuitions. A drunk captain drives my boat never ready to afloat.

Often in life, I found myself constantly obsessing about tangible things like: a celebrity, a crush, an idea, a lifestyle, and the most dangerous of all, a constructed fantasy of life that I find myself drowning into.

However just like tonight, once in a while I do pause and question my actions. There are moments of clarity, pure division of black and white. And sometimes, something does STUCK. Special sets of things that made me who I truly am. 

-  The fact that I like to WRITE out loud 

- The fact that sport is still my escape

- The fact that I obsess about movie theories

- The fact that I will always take up debating with anyone no matter the level of intelligence

- The fact that I still idolise Freja, a model I've always adored

- The fact that some people are irreplaceable: 이예지(a close friend whom I had a crush on) and my ex (whom sadly still triggers me even after 1.5 years of break up)

- The fact that some personalities do stuck no matter the situation or circumstance: 
Impulsiveness, Courageous, Adventurous, Kind-hearted but Dramatic and regretfully, Manipulative

Frankly, I'm always rather envious of people who seemed to have their shit together. I mean, who doesn't really? People who's passion was set since they're children, people who has stone-like principle that never wavers. Generally, people who have found their purpose in life and are skipping daily closer and closer to their happily ever after.

Guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide

I wake up daily not having a purpose. I am dead inside and nothing is right. I've hurt people around me, strangers that fell for my manipulative romance, parents who's expectations were reduced but still isn't enough, friends that have gotten tired of my demeaning behaviours and stories... I don't know what to feel and I don't think I CAN feel. No one understands me, no one loves me sincerely and I don't blame them.

When is this gonna end?

I dont know where to begin. My mind is an utter mess, one time thinking I did good with my life and other more constant times, I am falling deeper and deeper in a trance of hopeless failure. My friends, whom I thought was "family" think of me as a monster in disguise, always having agendas and thinking about world destruction. There was a time where I had it all, good friends, good romantic relationship, good prospectus future, but it was never enough. Now, thinking back I wish I had cherish every moment and be grateful of how effortless life was, always having people to share life with and be unapologetically myself around, not even a day wasted being depressed.

Everything vanished so quickly, I had so little time to catch on with life that is happening right under my nose. I blame it on my inability to differentiate the black and white of things, my irrational actions and countless bad life choices. Back then I never once thought about the long run, all the outcomes, consequences and damages of my actions, I did things 90% of the time based on my impulsiveness and momentary adrenalines. Then life struck like a lightning, and all hell broke loose and I am completely dumbfounded and alone.

I feel absolutely worthless, alienated and destructive with no help of recovery. Suicide often comes to mind, the world will be better off without me. But I am a world renowned coward and everyone knows that it takes courage to actually end your life. My friends, my family, all my people avoided having the talk, or so I thought they cared. But the mask that I wear is skin-deep and no one bothered to look through it. People don't understand that you could be really ill on the inside and look absolutely fine on the outside.

YOU. BREAK.

I'm posting this today not because I think any long term change will come, I only hope that finally admitting somewhere - even when no one's reading - that everything isn't ok will give me some sort of cathartic relief. I've never really told anyone the full extent of my emotions, not my "best friends" or family are aware of this, even just writing this post is hard and I hate that it almost resembles too much of an act of an attention seeker for me. I don't know why I feel this way - as far as I can tell, compared to many other people, I have many opportunities and am very privileged which only makes me feel worse. I hesitate to even call myself depressed because I'm sure that there are many people out there who have it far worse... I have erratic mood swings that will make me feel great one moment and then terrible the next. The only thing that prevents me from feeling like shit is having friends around me (close friends or not, doesn't really matter to me). I hate being alone - whenever there's nothing to distract me from my own thoughts, I resort to thinking about how much I hate where I am right now and how much of a let down I must be to people that care about me. I feel like a lifeless body that by chance has just been set down a certain track which I don't even know if I want. It is hard for me to know what I want - even if my well-designed "social mask" would disagree with me: making decision is in fact, a hard task for me, even down to the smallest things. Peer pressure would usually lead me to just arbitrarily pick something. Most of the time, before I lie in bed and try to make myself go to sleep, I wish that I can just evaporate and disappear. Sometimes I can't help but respect the strength that it took for someone to kill themselves. Suicide is a thought that passes through my mind on a regular basis, multiple times a day, but I admit that I will never be brave enough to actually face death. I just wish there was some easy way out, an escape. This feeling didn't start recently either - I remember feeling this way all the way back to when I was in 7th grade. I have a vivid memory of bravely trying to vaguely bring up the topic of me possibly being romantically interested in the same gender in a form of my handwritten poems to my dad, but his reaction back then was that of a person who's dismissive and wasn't willing to prolong the conversation. My mother on the contrary, observed my daily behavior and questioned my soon-to-be-a-doctor-golden-boy-brother, if I might have a mental disease for having mood swings and was always unable to manage my anger from time to time. But, she would be so disgusted at the thought of having a black sheep in the family, that resulted in her also being dismissive, advising me to stop bitching about life and that if I really felt miserable I should rethink just how privileged our family is compared to others. I know my parents love me very much, but being Asian I feel like the subject of LGBT and mental issue are always taboo and that my parents would rather not admit that there might be something wrong. As a result I've always been adverse to telling other people because I'm terrified because a retort like "just man up and stop bitching" would absolutely crush me... because it's true. I don't know why I feel this way, just that I often feel like crying and it takes so much to try not to break down in front of everyone and just look psychotic. Over the years, I've resorted to smoking pot and cigarettes to help me feel better. The worst though is that I don't even believe that I need help myself. Whenever I convince myself that I should go seek some sort of help, the emotional highs I get convince me that what I'm experience is just a regular change in feelings and that if I wait long enough maybe it'll go away. But I've been waiting and it hasn't been getting better, only worse. Everything irritates me now, I feel paralyzed now whenever I have to do stuff, or meet people, but the fear of being alone haunts me like a parasite and I just have to FUNCTION. 

Star Wars VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS movie review

THE FORCE AWAKENS! December 18th 2015

 

It will be one of the most magical and glorified day of 2015 today, I knew it the second I opened my eyes. It is now 18th December of 2015, the day STAR WARS THE FORCE AWAKENS opens. I've been waiting for 10 years, and time sure goes slowly. I had to leave work because my mind and my heart wasn't working properly, my face had the weirdest smile for the whole time I was at work, my colleagues were frightened for my well-being.

At home, I've prepared my outfit for the day, DARTH VADER tees and mask on. At 05pm I arrived at the cinema, had to wait for 45 minutes til it was opened. I had time to kill, it felt like 45 hours before magic happened.

I saw a bunch of Star Wars freaks like me, all wearing the franchise outfit, carrying LIGHT SABERS. I was overwhelmed, I felt like running away this was too good to be true. When the studio lights were off and the screen turned dark, a tear felt down my face and my heart almost exploded, THE WAIT WAS OVER.

I was ready. Out came new names and faces, Rey, Finn, Phasma and BB8. If I ever had the most wonderful dream, this was better than that multiply it by 1000x, life was good. I was already in heaven when, out came THE FALCON, MY MILLENNIUM FALCON, the neurons in my head was jumping, the feelings were real.

All of the sudden... BAM! HAN FUCKING SOLO AND CHEWBACCA!!! "Chewie, we're home". That line literally melted me, my mind was gone, my body overload with joy and I was drenched in tears of glory. It had to be Christmas because this was the best gift for me, thank you thank you thank you J.J Abrams.

I was exploding inside when Princess Leia came out and was high when C3PO with his red robotic arm said hi, I waved hi back. R2D2 was next, he was lifeless yet marvelous as ever. The movie continues on, I was drooling, everything clicks, This is STAR WARS!

I was having the best time of my life, the whole audience were too, we were squealing like pigs and cheering like mad rugby fans every time old characters came on. Until Han met Kylo, "I had a bad feeling about this" as how Han would describe the scene right that second. And then it all crashed, he died, Han died. J.J Abrams was brilliant in creating the scene, it almost 100% mirrors the old saga where Luke met Vader. My joy utterly shattered, it was perfect. Han's death was perfect.

Then the moment everyone has been waiting for, Kylo meets Rey in duel. It was all too clear for me, She is Luke and He is Vader. In my head, theories began to assemble, they're cousins. Both are grandchildren of Anakin Skywalker a.k.a the most loved villain of all time, Darth Vader. Though, Rey's past wasn't told yet, I was sure of it when her force overpowered Kylo's, in the snatching saber scene.

When the movie ended, I had to, HAD TO stayed in the seat for a good 5 minutes to soak it all in. I JUST FUCKIN WATCHED THE FORCE AWAKENS. It still felt a little unreal to me. Oh and when Luke came on the scene at the end, doesn't it gave you an 'Obi-Wan Kenobi' feel?

Get ready fans! The Force has now awakened! A new Star Wars movie every year! Star Wars is back!