Sometimes things stuck.

More than once, I've been described as someone who gets bored easily. I "come and go" is also something even my ex girlfriend of a long-term relationship tells people about me. While half of me might be on board with that idea, in truth, I am opposed to it too.

Although one might simply disregard it, I, for one am worried. I haven't a clue about who I am, what my values and visions may be. My life has been a boat without a sail, life decisions always based on careless intuitions. A drunk captain drives my boat never ready to afloat.

Often in life, I found myself constantly obsessing about tangible things like: a celebrity, a crush, an idea, a lifestyle, and the most dangerous of all, a constructed fantasy of life that I find myself drowning into.

However just like tonight, once in a while I do pause and question my actions. There are moments of clarity, pure division of black and white. And sometimes, something does STUCK. Special sets of things that made me who I truly am. 

-  The fact that I like to WRITE out loud 

- The fact that sport is still my escape

- The fact that I obsess about movie theories

- The fact that I will always take up debating with anyone no matter the level of intelligence

- The fact that I still idolise Freja, a model I've always adored

- The fact that some people are irreplaceable: 이예지(a close friend whom I had a crush on) and my ex (whom sadly still triggers me even after 1.5 years of break up)

- The fact that some personalities do stuck no matter the situation or circumstance: 
Impulsiveness, Courageous, Adventurous, Kind-hearted but Dramatic and regretfully, Manipulative

Frankly, I'm always rather envious of people who seemed to have their shit together. I mean, who doesn't really? People who's passion was set since they're children, people who has stone-like principle that never wavers. Generally, people who have found their purpose in life and are skipping daily closer and closer to their happily ever after.

Guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide

I wake up daily not having a purpose. I am dead inside and nothing is right. I've hurt people around me, strangers that fell for my manipulative romance, parents who's expectations were reduced but still isn't enough, friends that have gotten tired of my demeaning behaviours and stories... I don't know what to feel and I don't think I CAN feel. No one understands me, no one loves me sincerely and I don't blame them.

When is this gonna end?