I dont know where to begin. My mind is an utter mess, one time thinking I did good with my life and other more constant times, I am falling deeper and deeper in a trance of hopeless failure. My friends, whom I thought was "family" think of me as a monster in disguise, always having agendas and thinking about world destruction. There was a time where I had it all, good friends, good romantic relationship, good prospectus future, but it was never enough. Now, thinking back I wish I had cherish every moment and be grateful of how effortless life was, always having people to share life with and be unapologetically myself around, not even a day wasted being depressed.

Everything vanished so quickly, I had so little time to catch on with life that is happening right under my nose. I blame it on my inability to differentiate the black and white of things, my irrational actions and countless bad life choices. Back then I never once thought about the long run, all the outcomes, consequences and damages of my actions, I did things 90% of the time based on my impulsiveness and momentary adrenalines. Then life struck like a lightning, and all hell broke loose and I am completely dumbfounded and alone.

I feel absolutely worthless, alienated and destructive with no help of recovery. Suicide often comes to mind, the world will be better off without me. But I am a world renowned coward and everyone knows that it takes courage to actually end your life. My friends, my family, all my people avoided having the talk, or so I thought they cared. But the mask that I wear is skin-deep and no one bothered to look through it. People don't understand that you could be really ill on the inside and look absolutely fine on the outside.